That HAD to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
Watching the tears rolls from my kids eyes not because of the cancer, but because they were sad that I had to lose my hair and boobs was heart breaking. They said some really great things tonight that made my heart melt though. When I told them that I would lose my hair, my eyebrows, and my eyelashes Isaac said "Mom, remember when we were at the beauty store, and they had those eyebrows you can stick on? Just get those." I couldn't help but laugh. He was also so amazed with reconstructive surgery. Who knows, maybe he will be a plastic surgeon because he was really curious about it. :) At the end of the conversation we talked about the amount of people that will be in our home, taking care of them and me, or maybe the kids going to play at their friends house and that we want them to enjoy their time with their friends and that I will be ok during the treatment. Isaac then asked "what if I have fun at my friends house?" and suddenly my strong boy's heart started to weaken and he began to cry. I asked "Isaac do you think you will feel guilty if you are having fun during my chemo?" He responded "yes". WOW, I just wanted to ball my head off.
We talked in length about my desire for them during this time and that Jesus will be by my side and we all want him to have fun. I made him promise that he will have fun, guilt free. My poor baby doesn't know how he is supposed to feel.
Bella....oh my precious little Bella. Once I told them about my hair, she started to cry. Of course, my baby girl can feel the sense of vanity that will be lost. I just love her. I asked them if they had any questions and Bella said that she did. "Mom, I can't concentrate on my work at school because I think of you". "Hunny, what are you thinking?" "Worry" she said. This is all being said through tears rolling down her cheeks. Ugh, I never even thought that they would be affected like this. I mean, I knew that they would be concerned, but for her to remember her mommy during school, is just overwhelming for me. I assured her that its not our job to worry. That God is with me during the day and I am very well taken care of. I appreciate her love for me but I dont want it to affect her day.
Talking about this to my kids really broke a new wall down of reality. Keeping it from them was making me feel like I was keeping a secret. People are in and out of our home and the word chemo and tears are so easily being thrown around that I do not want them to hear but never know the truth. They were obviously worried already so Im so happy that we had the talk.