Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Day 6 August 4th "Cory's in the ER"

Ahhhhhhhh!!! Can I please just SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m sooooo frustrated. Last night Cory had chest pains. Here we were sitting on the couch rejoicing in our donations as they were coming in on our new PayPal donation account. Then I see my husband hovering over the counter trying to look for aspirin, spreading all of our medicine out on the counter. I ask him what’s wrong and he responds "I’m having chest pain, and it’s shooting in my neck and down my arm." Ugh....I was not sympathetic at this moment. I just told him it was anxiety and it'll be fine. I saw the pain in his face and said "if you are serious, I'll call 911" but his concern was medical bills and that he didn't want to leave me. So, I said "if we had insurance and I didn't have cancer, would you go". He said "yes".

I called 911 and 3 awesome guys came (we knew all 3 of them) came to our house and hooked Cory up. I told them my situation and what Cory is feeling..Hoping its anxiety. They offered an ambulance but we didn't want the bill so we had Chris and John take him to Florence ER.

They of course are not equipped with everything so they transfer him to Mountain Vista in Mesa. They wanted to do a cardio test which would take 18 hours. UGH!!! I told my husband at 4am that he will be checking himself out at 10am if a doctor has not been in to see him. I NEED HIM TODAY!

Isaac woke up at 3am and crawled into my bed. In Daddy's spot. He asked me where Daddy was and I had to explain to him what happened. It took him over an hour to fall back asleep. Bella crawled into my bed at 6:30 while I was on the phone with the nurse. She's tugging at me, asking "what is going on and where is daddy". UGH....My poor kids. I am just so overwhelmed, I feel like I can't take one more hit. I had a dream last night that Cory's chest X-ray came back with cancer. I was so scared in my dream. I was so disappointed and I was trying to prepare myself in my dream, to be a single mom in my own cancer fight. I woke up so anxious and irritated. I called Cory and yelled at him for having chest pain which I feel terrible for, but I’m just so scared!!

My poor husband, I know that last thing he would want is to be at the hospital and not laying in bed next to me, but it’s still frustrating for me. I don’t want to worry about his health; I want to start my fight. I know that sounds so selfish, but I can't help it.

I’m very anxious today for my appointment. What will they say? Will my concerns on the pain in my breast mean more tests? Will they suggest Chemo? Am I ready for that? Will they suggest radiation? Mastectomy? Double Mastectomy? My HEAD IS SPINNING!! I want to be ready for all of these choices but I know that when I am sitting in the office today, my heart will be so heavy regardless of the process because it’s still so unreal.

My prayer today is for peace. Peace, Peace, Peace. And Clarity. I want this decision for the doctors and myself to be SO CLEAR to all of us. And a Peaceful one.

Please pray for Cory, that whatever it is, that is heart heals and his anxiety calms down. He has a fear of losing me; I have a fear of losing him. That won’t be a healthy way to fight. We need a new strategy.

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