GRUGH!! Can I just scream? I told myself to blog earlier because I was feeling "normal" and I wanted to write about it, but I got wraped up in more laundry and then as soon as I started thinking in my head "I can do this" life gets in the way. I hope this doesn't sound dramatic, but my mind can't handle life. I feel like Im so short with the kids over little things, because my patience level has gone from 0 to a negative. :)
Trying to get my house in order so that when other people are here, I wont feel embarressed if my bathrooms need cleaned, or my towels aren't where they need to be, or there isn't enough toilet paper....and so on is absolutely draining. I will worry about this, so dont tell me not to. :) Im trying to think of all the things I need for my room, paying bills, making 504 appointments for Isaac, laundry, ministry, chore list, sanitizing...AHHH the list goes on and on. When I was "normal" and "healthy" I could handle all of that. But here I am with a deadline. I need all of this done before I go under for what feels like FOREVER. Trying to do all of this when my brain is thinking about cancer, cancer, cancer, cancer is torture.
Today was actually the first day without any doctors appointments. Which is GREAT! I cleaned, I did a bazillion amounts of laundry (and still going) went to lunch with my mom, went to the bank, went to the grocery store and came home and did more laundry. But as soon as the kids come home, my whole mindset changes. HW, Teachers, Field Trips, Reading logs, Math, Agenda's, Stories, Lunches, what I didn't put in their backpack, who didn't bring home their homework, tears, screams, sadness and so on and so on sets me off.!! I can't do this...is what I am thinking. I can NOT hand over my life to someone else while Im stuck in a room. How would they know what to do? What bills to pay? Where to do take the kids and when? I know I wont be dead, but I will be laid up from a pretty heavy surgery plus the chemo AND I have to work too. Ugh...Im sorry for the venting session...but if you want to know whats in my head...this is it. Overwhelmed. I have already been helped so much by others and I am so grateful but I feel guilty. I think in my head "Gabbee, you have the same cancer that you had two weeks ago and you were working two jobs, full time ministry, full time mom, wife, friend, sister, and daughter and I could do it" What is so different now? The unknown. The emotions. The fear. The doctors. The traveling. The what ifs. The testing. The phone calls. The insurance. The schedule. The next year of my life. That is what is different. I have a new normal that hasn't really fit into my kids normal life. They haven't changed.
Today I thought about my last will and testament. What if? I mean...I wont lie and say its not a thought in my head. What if I go in for surgery and more cancer is found. What if I wake up with my lymph nodes gone because they were infected. What if? Ugh...it breaks my heart. Im trying SO HARD to be strong...and everyone keeps telling me that I am strong...but why do I feel so weak?
I feel like Im in a tornado watching everything around fly off and its so dusty and windy that I can't see the outside of the tunnel. That is the best way I can describe my thought process. When will the tornado die down so I can see clearly? I pray so much for clarity on my tests, but not really praying for clarity in my healing process. I need to see the end of the road which is "Gabbee is a survivor" but today was not the day.
Whew....I think I just got a free counseling session.
Anyway....Im sorry for the negative...I crave to have the positive. I really do. Bear with me. Tomorrow is another day.