Day 4 August 2nd 2010

"Christ be the center of my life. Be the place I fix my eyes"

I want this to be clear. I want this to be known. I can not fix my eyes on anything else other than the comfort of my God during this battle of cancer. He is my strength. He is my comfort. He is the ultimate healer and even though I might have to go through the treatment, He will give me healing and peace.

Today has been interesting. Today was our first day home w/out kids or people visiting in the morning. I slept GREAT! I love medicine. LOL! I really needed a good nights sleep. I woke up and the first thing I do is sigh. Here is another day of the battle. This morning I felt very angry. Im not really sure why but I did.

We dropped the kids off at school and I was embraced by the front office staff at Anthem. I love those gals! They are awesome and I am so glad that my kids are in their hands at some point. We went home and I started to "get organized". LOL...That lasted about 5 minutes. Then I jumped to trying to organize a sub for my pre-teen group on Tuesday night. As much as I want to see them (very badly I might add) because those kids are a part of me, and one thing I dont want to do through this cancer battle is to take away a piece of me BUT Im realizing that I do need time to mourn the loss of my life that I had a week ago. I can handle people in my home, visiting, but the moment I go out, I crash and a wall goes up. I get very anxious about it. So having 30 kids at my house tomorrow might not be the best option but I have amazing leaders taking my place and they are excited to play games with the kids and have a large group of "processing" time for them. Some kids have asked "why would God give me cancer when I am a lover of God". THat is ONE thing that I want to address right away. And Thank you Teresa...because she will share what God says about that question. He LOVES us all!! I am not anymore special than the next person. I dont have special pivelages over the next person. Cancer sucks...but it doesn't judge God's love for me.

After I put every ounce of energy into organizing the little that I did, I shut the computer off and looked over at Cory. There he laid on the couch staring into space. I crawled into his arms and he said "Im scared". I forgot through all of this mess, he was going through emotions too. He said "I never want to work again, I dont want to leave you." He also said "I want my mom here". LOL...I thought that was precious. Cory's mom Paula is a breast cancer survivior. After she had her biopsy she had Stage 3 cancer, mastecomy, chemo, radiation...you name it...she had it. We were fortunate to live in Nevada at the time of that treatment and we know what to expect. She knows what to expect. So I dont blame him for wanting her here. I want her here too and maybe she can come once surgery comes closer.

We just cried together and held eachother. This is going to make us one strong couple. I promise you that. It will not break us.

I caught my composure and said "Let's go to Wal-mart". LOL....I had to get a few things. We actually stopped at Wells Fargo too and opened a seperate savings account for donations since so many people have asked since we don't have insurance or a government program in affect yet, medical expenses are being paid out of our pocket. That kind of stuff makes me sleepy though. I dont want to do any of it.

After errands, we came home and went back on the couch. My friend Christina brought over brownies. Yum! That made me happy. :)

Now, we will get ready for dinner. A lady from our church will be bringing us dinner which is a HUGE help! The last thing that either one of us wants to do is cook.

A few highlights of my day were.....A post from my friend Shannon Logan. SHe was an amazing 3rd grade teacher at Anthem and I subbed for her many times. Her classroom was a family! I LOVED those kids. She was a huge inspiration to me to become a teacher. She posted this on my Facebook page....

“I can see your cute face so easily, sporting a Susan G Komen pink shirt and walking at the front of the group in a few years…You are waving your arms and smiling through happy tears under the brim of your pink “survivor” hat. THIS is the Gabby we all know and love and we are all right there behind you cheering you on every step of the way.”

That made me VERY happy because that IS who I am. I wont go down depressed or quiet. I will fight because I have two kids, a husband, a sister a brother a mom, dad, friends and I have a purpose. God has plans for me. I know Im not done. I have too many pre-teens that need the love of Jesus. He gave me that job. Lets get this over with and move on.

The other highlight was that my sister and her boyfriend got a new phone (a droid) and they both got pink cases for their phones. :) I love it!!

Tonight is family night per Bella's request. So no computer, no cell phones...just dinner, brownies, probably apples to apples and the Bagby's. The best way to be! :)

Love ya!