Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Oncology Appointment. The Appointment that has changed my life.

Im going to let you know immediatley what my treatment plan is so you no longer have to hold your breathe. As I was finding myself doing this morning.

The options for Mastecomy or Lumpectomy are still undetermined because of a few tests that need to be done. MRI (Just to make sure that they didn't miss anything) and a Gene test to tell if I am a cancer carrier since I do not have family history. Depending on those results will determine if I have a lumpectomy or masectomy. Here is the hit that has caused me to tremble.

Chemo. Mandatory. 1 year. That is my hit. I have not cried since I heard that news because I am numb. So numb that I am crying so hard inside, but nothing on the outside.

Am I ready to get chemo and be sick to my stomach on my couch while my children watch me? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Am I ready to be curled up in a ball moaning and groaning from pain? ABSOLUTLEY NOT! Am I ready to be losing my hair, and my eyebrows? NO!!! But I so want peace. I want to be ok with this! I want to wake up and not be scared. But I am! I am so scared that I can't even cry!! Im 31. How did this happen so young? 30%....I fell into the 30% category.

I would take a double mastecomy over chemo. I'd walk around with no chest, instead of chemo. BUT for every pain that I feel during this, and every hair that I lose, I have to remember that I am fighting for my life. I want to see my kids grow up. And I have to suffer for them!

I sat in the doctors office shaking, trembling, laughing, crying and sitting in shock staring at the doctor and all I heard was "wah, wha, wha, wha". At one point she looked at me and asked "what are you thinking?" and I said "Chemo! I can't kick the word Chemo". She told me to try and remember that for every pain that comes with that NASTY drug, its killing every cancer cell possible.

Im just so scared, Im not going to lie. Im not going to pretend Im strong today. Because Im not. I am having trouble breathing because of how scared I am. My whole life has just changed. My whole marriage has changed, my parenting, my social life, my employment status. EVERYTHING! Changed! Not because Im getting the lump removed or my breast removed, but because I will inject a NASTY, CELL EATING drug in my body that will kick me down right out of my normal life. I just want to cry and cry and cry and I can't.

Please understand that this time for me to process this will be rough. I want to see and talk to everyone but I can't. I dont have the energy to do it. Sometimes I can't answer the door, sometimes I can't answer the phone. Not because I dont want to. But because I just got a ticket to a whole new world that I NEVER thought I would be a part of.

I will need help! I will need help with my kids. I dont want them seeing me suffer. Oh how I dread that vision in my head. I want someone with me at every chemo appointment. I dont want to come home alone. I want to come home to a cozy home and sit and watch a movie while the chemo does its thing. Please dont ever let me be alone.

"Sigh"...I just need to breathe. Breathe out my frustration and anxiety.

I do have to use this moment to Glorify God as I have promised to always do. I prayed for my doctor to not treat me as another cancer patient. Do you know the first thing that was said to me? "Gabbee, through this we want you to know that we dont look at you as just another cancer patient" I laughed and said "Ive been praying for someone like you. THank you JESUS for that blessing.

More blessings. From recent tests we do not show that my lympnodes are affected. Chemo is honestly the worst part of  my news today. Many women do it though, I HAVE TO get through this. Im Gabbee right? Gabbee always has this smile on that everyone talks about. A radiant glow that so many people have commented on. I HAVE to defeat this. I HAVE to be cancer free. Not because of just me, but because that is WHO I am.

There are SO MANY more details and I will share tomorrow but this is what is so heavy on my heart. But I came home to my friends and family bringing me dinner, cleaning my kitchen, and just sitting and listening to my thoughts. I will post more tomorrow about the other stuff.

But in this post, please remember one thing. Tomorrow I have an appointment with the insurance lady at 11:30. My case workers name is Carmen. Please pray for her. That she would feel an overwhelming sense of need to approve me. I want so many people praying for her that she would even comment on it. I plan to tell her my story and beg for insurance. That is where Im at. Please Please Please Please Please PRAY AT 11:30 ARIZONA TIME. APPROVAL, APPROVAL APPROVAL!

Love you all!


  1. I am in tears praying my heart out for you! I have always walked for a cure but now I will walk because my friend Gabbee. The woman who gave me strength at middler camp when I didn't know I was even broken. The woman who has amazed me and inspired me by her faith in her Father! Lord I pray that you will comfort her and give her the overwhelming peace she truly needs right now. Love you! xoxoxo!

  2. (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))!
    My simple prayer today! "Approval!"

  3. You are loved by more people than you even know.You have touched so many lives and even through this battle are touching lives and you may not even realize it.I want to encourage you to continue putting your fears and frustrations in His hands.This battle may strip you of happiness, but you can never be robbed of your JOY in Him. "What Satan intends for evil, God intends for good".You are an increadibly strong woman and have a fire in you like no other.You are going to beat this and we will all stand with you as you do.God Bless you Gabbee Bagby, as you make another impacting mark on this world.