Thursday, August 26, 2010

Day 25 "I just have to say"

This blog is going to be here, there and everywhere.....just a WARNING. :)

Sometimes I am in shock of how things unravel. Sometimes I think that the world is crashing down on me, and I can't see what's going on. I have faith that God is working, and I have faith that I will learn something from this, but what I struggle with is the amount of "stuff" I have to handle at times. Sometimes it feels like it never ends. People ALWAYS say "God will never give us more than we can handle". God WILL get us through what He knows we can handle. He doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called. I can handle cancer and life. But not on my own. I do have to rely on Him for the tools and the comfort but it is not easy at times. Its very hard actually. I can't lie and tell you that it's easy.

Not only am I dealing with cancer, but life doesn't stop when someone has cancer. I  received my local pastoral license during this time of diagnosis...honesty thinking that I wouldn't have to "use" it during this next few months. Isn't that the most stupiest thought ever!? In the matter of two days, I have to step up to my new position in two different situations and I feel scared out of my mind and blessed all at the same time.

I feel beat down. I feel like I have failed, I feel like I have lost a battle, I feel like I have been stepped on, kicked, beat up and persucuted. Not by anyone specific...but my life. I automatically thought that I wouldn't have a care in the world for what goes on around me. I thought that I would be able to worry about me, me, me, me, and more of me. But that is not true. Life still goes on. People still need God. People still need a helping hand, and my life, my ministry, my heart doesn't stop just because of Cancer even though I want it to. And when my I say "my life", I mean my everyday "chores". My everyday phone calls, my friends, my family, my husband, my kids, my job, my ministry and everything in between.

I think once my surgery happens, and my chemo goes in place, I do feel that my focus will be on getting better and fighting this cancer. I have two kids and a husband that I am fighting for. I need to be here right now for them. That is my fight. But right now, I wait. Of course my life is different and I am constantly interuppted by life, but Im not fighting yet.

Sometimes things come up and I laugh to myself and say "OMG, this is SO small compared to what Im dealing with" or "Seriously, I have cancer, I do not have to deal with this". LOL!!! It DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY! Let me repeat! IT DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY. I totally wish it did but reality has to take place at some point of my thinking process and say "no it doesn't".

I promised this blog would be everywhere.....but these are honestly my thoughts right from my brain. No edits, no spell checks. Just my thoughts and my keyboard.

Please pray for me. Pray that I rise above, make a difference and ultimatley do what Im made to do.

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