Okay, so I had a couple of errands to run today and I was going to have my two gals tag along with me. However, life and work got in the way and so I had to go shopping alone. I debated for a while on whether or not I should go because I didn't want to have that much time "alone" with myself in the car. Too much thinking time. However, I had to go shopping today because I needed stuff before Sunday and this was my only day. So off I went.
45 minute drive to the stores. Gurgh! Honestly..I hope this doesn't sound lame...but I probably wont ever do that again. Way too much time to think about my life. My new journey. My new road that I am about to endure.
I started crying in the car. Not because of my surgery. Not because Im losing both of my "natural" breasts. Honestly I dont really care about that. If I didn't have the option of reconstruction, then yes, I would be hurt and sad but I do have that option. I count that as a blessing. I was sad because the thought of losing my hair. I started to imagine Sarah (my hairdresser) coming to my house to cut my hair short before the chemo takes it in chunks. I refuse to stand in the mirror watching part of my visual vanity to be lost. I imagine sitting in my kitchen with my support system around me, chatting and trying to make light of the situation, when really I am cringing on the inside trying to hold back the tears. I imagine myself completly falling apart and losing my emotions and everyone telling me I look good with short hair. The thing is....I wont have "short" hair for long. I will have NO HAIR. That's a big deal for me. I dont know why..but that is what makes me sad. I had my hair long, I had my hair short. Sometimes I hide behind my hair, sometimes I don't. Some people are probably thinking "save your life or lose your hair". Well, I choose neither. I dont want to make a choice. I dont want to fight for my life. I dont want my breasts gone, my hair, my eyebrows, my eyelashes, my everyday normal life GONE. I just want to be cancer free. I promise you this. You will NEVER know the thought process of a cancer patient until you walk in the shoes of cancer.
Who knows...maybe I already wrote about this and its like a constant repeat. But this is what happens when you drive in the car ALONE. :)
I did hear this song on the radio that I wanted to post. The words were so real for the time of my life right now.
"To Know You" By Casting Crowns
To know you is to never worry for my life, and
To know you is to never to give in or compromise, and
To know you is to want to tell the world about you
Cause I can't live without you
To know you is to hear your voice when you are calling
To know you is to catch my brother when he is falling
To know you is to feel the pain of the broken hearted
Cause they can't live without you.
Anyway, after I got home, I got ready for my Mary Kay appointment. Facial cleanser and make up. I put my hair in a ponytail and put a headband on so I could "imagine" my face with no hair. I wanted to do my makeup so I could try and see what I will look like. UGH...I don't like the thought of it. I was blessed with tons of Mary Kay products as a "get well" gift. I was super duper thankful for that.
So...the moral of this story? When you are patiently waiting to go into surgery and start chemo....always go shopping with someone. :)
Gabbee,
ReplyDeleteI wish I could have been in the car with you to tell you how lovely your face is & even without hair you will be beautiful because your hair doesn't make who you are. There are some really nice wigs out there & you can have a different look & color as you want. I KNOW the thought process of a cancer patient, I guess thats why I cut my long hair to donate, it was a good feeling but must admit it was hard....it always grows back & when mine does I will cut it again to donate! When those sad thoughts come, turn them around & look at the good side (there is always a good side). Keep the faith & keep thinking positive!
Hugs